"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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