OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm like, not good at living.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
