I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
