dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Umm I'm too high to move.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
