and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he thought i was a dude.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
