Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
