FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
