So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
