youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
