All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
