omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
