We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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