Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
