make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
