GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
