Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
