he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
