I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
