i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
