Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
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