just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
