He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
