I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
