one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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