Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
