what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
