I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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