My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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