You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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