saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
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