My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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