Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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