rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
