I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
