Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
