these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
