I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
