Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
