i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
