You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
