it's like iHOP with fire
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
