i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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