There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
