guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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