hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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