we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
