I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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