i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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