why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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