There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
